Hell Ride Report Noir 5-15-2012

So there I was….alone at my desk nursing an aerobic hangover. Then she walked in, a dame like no other, the kind you don’t take home to mom…or your home. The kind of dame that would make you go deep, deeper than you thought possible. That’s right her name was hell ride & before this night was over she was going to make me wish I had never let her in.
The caper started at Spring meadow lake with 10 to 12 of the kind of people you don’t let people you care about know you know. The underbelly of Helena cycling. Lowlifes, the kind of guys that would suck your wheel all the way up the hill & then sprint around you laughing, playing you for the sucker. Oh yeah we started out all nice, peaches & cream, working together, then at the tracks Josh went up the first little hill, but we’d seen this move before & he was covered like a wagon on the Oregon trail. The group worked together with the Slanger twins, Sean & Sarah trading barbs & pulls like they were born to it. Brian Johnson went to the front & gave a demonstration of pounding the pedals in anger. The pace picked up as Robert Ray decided to see who wanted to come out and play. Everyone apparently. The pace picked up, & the bodies started falling like bad guys in a John Wayne movie. Jumping Johnny Tietz, out-sprinted “Rabbit” Robert with Good Gosh Josh taking 3rd.
On the rollers, Sean, the nice Slanger, decided to show his naughty side & took off, dropping into his geek bars he got a gap, but the motley crue wasn’t going to let a tri guy win this segment. Like the lowlifes we are we grabbed his wheel, used him up, spit him out & left him for road kill. The jockeying for position had started halfway through, but the pace was getting ready to pickup. As we headed through silver creek, the attacks started coming. I was grabbing wheels like each one was the brass ring that could deliver the golden fleece of a sprint win. The final wheel I grabbed was the aforementioned strong man John Tietz. I rode that wheel like a 2 bit hooker at a Shriners convention & was delivered to the finish line in first, John 2d & I believe Little (I still think of him like that) Stevie Field.
The last section Lincoln road, a headwind? Whats up with that? We rode in a tight paceline until the really nice Slanger (|Sarah) said enough of this pussy footing and she broke away. Being the gentlemen we are, we let her sit out front & then shut it down. Steve somehow got positioned to the front. With no one willing to take the lead from him, he drove the pace up to the base of the hill where all Hell broke loose. John over the top 1st, Robert 2d, Steve & Dr. Drew tied for 3rd. This caper was over, the butler did it, & I had a date with a tall glass of gatorade.



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